Isolation: the act of detaching or separating as to be alone. I've always done it when things get tough. When it all just seems like too much, I'm really good at pushing people away. In my mind, the lack of emails, FB postings, and blogging would make me stronger. Some sort of effort to prove that I could do it. I'm not sure who it is that I'm trying to trump because in the end it's me who looses: friendships, connections, laughter, adventures.
This adventure has been hard -- way harder than I thought it would be. Yes, I have had some amazing travel opportunities, but in exchange, I feel I have lost quiet a bit: some of me, some of you dear reader, birthdays, holidays, backyard bar-b-ques, impromptu drinks on the patio, belly laughs before/during/and after derby practice, a settled in feeling of belonging.
These things have existed in my life of being an expat these last two years -- except the last one -- well, and derby practice! I think that no matter how long you live in a place, there will be certain things that just don't make sense, that don't resonate with you, that prove you are a foreigner. I have much respect for the people who have decided that this is the life for them, but at this point in my life, I'm having difficulty.
I finally made a decision about next year (really in December I officially told the school). I'm coming home. It was a lengthy decision process. At first, I truly contemplated staying here another year as this year started out so much better than last year. However, the headmaster was asked to step down and now the principal is also leaving.
I made myself go to the meetings with the three new headmaster candidates to see what might be in store for TAC 2014-2015. There was one who I really felt I could work with as he had international experience and had lived in Syria in early 2000. Sadly, he was not the candidate chosen. The board decided to go with my least favorite -- no international experience, and his answers to my questions were vague and mindless blabber.
Another friend is the headmaster at one of the sister schools in Istanbul, so I went there for a three day weekend in December to get a feel for the school and the expat community. I observed six classes and by the end of the day I was completely disenchanted with the students and the staff. I was sadly disappointed as this is one of the top two schools in the country.
I asked a lot of questions, and the answer that stood out the most was when I asked four different people what the biggest challenge was working at the school: they all said the people in the English department. Not really what I was hoping for in a new school. Also, I observed three grade 11 classes (possibly what I would be teaching) and all three were lacking structure, classroom management, and oh, so much more. In one class, not one student had completed his/her homework. No one. Again, I was shocked that this is one of the top schools in Turkey.
Additionally that weekend, I volunteered at a soup kitchen mostly Syrian refugees in Istanbul. At that moment, I realized how much I missed being part of a larger community: American Cancer Society, Habitat for Humanity, Human Society. These communities wove their way into my life without me even noticing. It's good to do good.
Finally, the weekend culminated with a small gathering of expats. My questions continued, yet their answers were ones that I could have easily parroted: feeling of being an outsider, disappointment in the schools, missing home life, and the day-to-day normal stuff of being able to understand. (Oh, and good cheddar cheese, cilantro, chips and salsa!)
I even looked at attending a teaching fair in Africa, but I really didn't feel up to a new culture, new language, new everything again. I'm tired. Tired of being the foreigner. Tired of not understanding everything (even when things are explained in English). Tired of not having a place where I belong.
I felt like the universe was telling me to head home -- really kind of yelling at me. I've also decided I'm going to take some time off from the classroom. Eighteen years is a long time to do this job!
I am glad I took the opportunity to live overseas. I have learned a lot about myself, but really just that I still have so much more to learn. While I have no explanation of my habit of isolating myself, I'm hoping to reconnect with many of you and piece together a community again.
xoxox
xoxox
