Something I'm Good At

Isolation: the act of detaching or separating as to be alone. I've always done it when things get tough. When it all just seems like too much, I'm really good at pushing people away. In my mind, the lack of emails, FB postings, and blogging would make me stronger. Some sort of effort to prove that I could do it. I'm not sure who it is that I'm trying to trump because in the end it's me who looses: friendships, connections, laughter, adventures. 

This adventure has been hard -- way harder than I thought it would be. Yes, I have had some amazing travel opportunities, but in exchange, I feel I have lost quiet a bit: some of me, some of you dear reader, birthdays, holidays, backyard bar-b-ques, impromptu drinks on the patio, belly laughs before/during/and after derby practice, a settled in feeling of belonging.

These things have existed in my life of being an expat these last two years -- except the last one -- well, and derby practice! I think that no matter how long you live in a place, there will be certain things that just don't make sense, that don't resonate with you, that prove you are a foreigner. I have much respect for the people who have decided that this is the life for them, but at this point in my life, I'm having difficulty.

I finally made a decision about next year (really in December I officially told the school). I'm coming home. It was a lengthy decision process. At first, I truly contemplated staying here another year as this year started out so much better than last year. However, the headmaster was asked to step down and now the principal is also leaving. 

I made myself go to the meetings with the three new headmaster candidates to see what might be in store for TAC 2014-2015. There was one who I really felt I could work with as he had international experience and had lived in Syria in early 2000. Sadly, he was not the candidate chosen. The board decided to go with my least favorite -- no international experience, and his answers to my questions were vague and mindless blabber.

Another friend is the headmaster at one of the sister schools in Istanbul, so I went there for a three day weekend in December to get a feel for the school and the expat community. I observed six classes and by the end of the day I was completely disenchanted with the students and the staff. I was sadly disappointed as this is one of the top two schools in the country.

I asked a lot of questions, and the answer that stood out the most was when I asked four different people what the biggest challenge was working at the school: they all said the people in the English department. Not really what I was hoping for in a new school. Also, I observed three grade 11 classes (possibly what I would be teaching) and all three were lacking structure, classroom management, and oh, so much more. In one class, not one student had completed his/her homework. No one. Again, I was shocked that this is one of the top schools in Turkey.

Additionally that weekend, I volunteered at a soup kitchen mostly Syrian refugees in Istanbul. At that moment, I realized how much I missed being part of a larger community: American Cancer Society, Habitat for Humanity, Human Society. These communities wove their way into my life without me even noticing. It's good to do good. 

Finally, the weekend culminated with a small gathering of expats. My questions continued, yet their answers were ones that I could have easily parroted: feeling of being an outsider, disappointment in the schools, missing home life, and the day-to-day normal stuff of being able to understand. (Oh, and good cheddar cheese, cilantro, chips and salsa!)

I even looked at attending a teaching fair in Africa, but I really didn't feel up to a new culture, new language, new everything again. I'm tired. Tired of being the foreigner. Tired of not understanding everything (even when things are explained in English). Tired of not having a place where I belong.

I felt like the universe was telling me to head home -- really kind of yelling at me. I've also decided I'm going to take some time off from the classroom. Eighteen years is a long time to do this job! 

I am glad I took the opportunity to live overseas. I have learned a lot about myself, but really just that I still have so much more to learn. While I have no explanation of my habit of isolating myself, I'm hoping to reconnect with many of you and piece together a community again. 

xoxox

Easy as Pie...pizza pie!

Last year everyone kept saying that year two would be so much easier than year one. Through tears and frustrations of year one, I scoffed. How could this possibly get easier? What I should have been asking was how could it get any harder? So far, year two is easier.

Day-to-day life is easier. I know where the grocery store is; I know which bus to take if I want to go to the movies; I know how to get a round trip train ticket to Mersin or Adana. School life is easier too. I know what behavior to expect from the kids, and I know how to prevent a lot of their questions, behaviors, nerves, antics. I know what a normal day should look like; I know when to go to lunch to avoid a noisy lunch room. And for these simple undertakings, I'm grateful.

It's nice to know my brain doesn't always need to be on alert, and I can kindof get through my day without having too much difficulty. Even though this is only week three of the school year, I can already see how things are going to be different because I'm doing things differently.

One thing I've been able to focus on more is cooking. Last year, I was pretty lazy and relied quite a bit on cereal for dinner. I know we've all done it, but it does get a bit monotonous. In the month since I've been back, I've already tried 15 new recipes:  lemon blueberry pancakes, kettle corn, chicken fajitas, peach cobbler, homemade pizza sauce, homemade granola bars, and lahmacun (Turkish pizzas -- one of my favorite Turkish dishes) Not too shabby!

Since I love, lahmacun (pronounced llama-june), I thought I would try to make some for a dinner we had a few weeks ago. Instead of googling a quick recipe, I thought who better to ask, but some of my Turkish friends.

The ingredients and the small sticky note in the photos to the left are evidence of what happens when you ask four Turks for a recipe in Turkey -- at least my experience. Not pictured -- a laptop essential for Google translate and Google images. Additionally, I was unable to document the hour long conversation that ensued-- sometimes Turkish, sometimes English, much debate, and priceless.

Starting in the upper left hand corner: dried purple basil -- one of the most challenging items to determine in English. Perhaps my cooking expertise is lacking, but I had never heard of purple basil. My friends kept telling me it was basil; I wasn't buying it. Hence, we turned to Google images. It smells earthy with a spiciness (not hot though) to it. Definitely an essential in lahmacun and other Turkish dishes.

The Belmont Gold coffee jar contains homemade pepper paste made by Muhsin's mom hence the hand written "pepper paste". While not coffee, it truly is gold as I've seen families working to procure enough peppers to make pepper paste. (In a very early blog post, I took photos of my neighbors preparing to make the paste. It's a challenge!) Totally normal to reuse any jar or container to put in something else (Turkey's small attempt at recycling. Very small.)

The second bag contains thyme -- not used in lahmacun, but the Turks were convinced I needed it for something else. I've learned it's just easier and really more polite to take what is offered, smile, and say thank you. (A lesson I can apply in many facets of life.)

Finally, the small sticky note contains a mixture of English and Turkish, yet not any exact measurements. When I've had Turks over for dinner, they were intrigued when I used measure cups and spoons.

After I mixed my ingredients, I took the bowl to the local baker. He makes pide (a type of bread), lavaş (tortilla like), and will make the bread for lahmacun. I dropped of my mixture, and about an hour and a half later, I went and picked up my piping hot dinner. Fabulous! Luckily, I had gotten to the shop before two other ladies as they too were making lahmacun for a Friday night.

To properly eat a mini pizza, a sprig of parsley goes on top, squeeze of a fresh lemon, fold in half, and eat. Sorry, the lahmacun in the photo isn't mine. They were gone before I could get my camera!

Hello? Anyone there?

Dear Reader,
I can't blame you if you've left. I can't even be a little bit angry. I've been absent in our relationship. I'm sorry. I hope you can forgive me. It's been a busy few months -- to say the least. Lame excuse. I know. I've written a million blog posts in my head, but I never made the time to actually get it down on "paper"..umm I guess into cyberspace would be a better description. ;0 Here is a rundown of events since my last post:

April

• spent my spring break in chilly but fabulous London 
• enjoyed Book of Mormon, Peter and Alice with Judi Dench, and Quatermaine's Terms with Rowen Atkinson
• ate some fish and chips, enjoyed a Magners cider, devoured delicious cheeses and bacon! MMMM BACON! 
• London Eye, Big Ben, Rosetta Stone at British Museum, Lichtenstein exhibit at Tate Modern Museum

• enjoyed a day in Adana for the Orange Blossom Festival for a Turkish fashion show, an almost American hamburger, wish balloons, and new friends 
• explored more of Istanbul for a weekend -- Topkopi Palace, Blue Mosque, Domabache Palace
• headed south to Antakya to visit a mosaic museum, stay in the former Syrian president's home (which has now been turned into the Liwan Hotel), see the Titan Tunnel (a Roman engineering marvel!), eat paper kebab and pepper bread, and attempt to answer a poignant question (more on that later)
• attended a Turkish funeral for the father of one of my students in Mut, Turkey

May

• proctored the SAT
• attended a Turkish wedding -- my tennis instructor's
• headed southwest to indulge in gastronomical deliciousness in world renown Gaziantep!
• met a Buddhist Kurd who was our guide in Kahya and Nemrut
  
• watched sunset at Nemrut Mountain where a magical rainbow appeared
• woke at 3:00a.m. to climb said mountain once again for sunrise. Sorry people, you really should have gotten up because sunrise rules! :0
• spent a week recovering from said gastronomical deliciousness..ugh..but so worth it!

June

• drove from Tarsus to Cappadocia -- the long way! 
• enjoyed the view of Goreme (Cappadocia fame) from a hot air balloon ride -- yeah, more on this trip...the theme was "Take 2" ...every activity required a  re-do...oh Turkey ;0
• discovered the quaint town of Ürgüp outside of Goreme 
• watching a revolution play out before my eyes in this cultural dichotomy of a country
• attended Tarsus American College graduation
• celebrated a dear friend's birthday on the rooftop...oh, and the police showed up! :)
• 15 school days until the end of year one
  
  

As I just spent the last hour remembering and typing up my activities from the last few months, I somehow don't feel as guilty for not posting a blog. (and a second hour adding pictures and links) Yes, I'm sorry I ignored you dear readers, but I guess I've been busy. 

Also know that there have certainly been bouts of various emotions. Most notably homesickness in April -- it seemed there was no end in sight. Everything seemed overwhelming, frustrating, academically questionable, and simply just too much to deal with. These last few weeks jealousy also visited as I know schools at home are officially on summer break, but then I remembered: I live in Turkey, so take that! :)

Yet another emotion continues to spring up. Privilege. I'm not sure that can be an emotion, but I sure have felt it. Because of the color of my passport. Because my native language. Because I have this amazing opportunity. For so many reasons. Here's a bit on how this all came to be -- the poignant question in Antakya. 

As many times as I repeated I was going to Antakya to many people in various parts of the world, no one ever looked on a map. Antakya is approximately 20 kilometers from the Syrian border. Also, Gaziantep is about 50 kilometers from the Syrian border. While I didn't go to these two cities to see the Syrian border, while there, I did find myself taking a couple of deep breaths. Not because I was scared or worried about the political situation, but because I realized that the country I live in borders a very volatile country. That may sounds ridiculous as you read that; heck, it sounds ridiculous as I type it, but my day to day life isn't any different than if I lived in Colorado -- outside the obvious. I go to work. I deal with students. I have parent meetings. I grade papers. I travel.  Same. My time in Antakya and Gaziantep was an exploration  -- like any other city I've recently been too. 

But, I had to recognize that I was closer to Syria than ever before. And, things seemed the same. People were going to work. Teenagers were shopping and hanging out. Tea houses were busy. Same. Except at lunch one day in Antakya. 

Four of us ate lunch in the back of a butcher shop in the garden (yeah, I know sounds like the setting of a bad B horror film). The food was great and the people who worked there were gracious and proud of their food. I took tons of photos. Our server spoke English, and we found out that he too had been an English teacher. In Syria. Until war broke out. Now, he's a server in a restaurant. We shared that we were Americans (fairly obvious) teaching English in Turkey.

While we chit chatted and enjoyed our lunch, I could tell he wanted to talk more. As we were leaving, I hung back from the group to thank him. He paused, held my gaze for what seemed a solid two minutes, and finally asked: why hasn't your country helped us? 

Silent. Embarrassed. Gut wrenching. Despondent. I had nothing to say. I don't have a good reason why the US hasn't been involved. I can guess. I can listen to what the news tells me. But, I don't have an answer. His question has reverberated in my heart, my soul, my chest. It's not going to let go anytime soon. 

And in the last ten days, Turkey has faced its own war of sorts. Protests continue throughout this country in over 90 cities. Not just Istanbul, but here in Tarsus, Izmir, Ankara, Adana, Mersin, Gaziantep. Little old ladies wearing headscarves banging small copper pots at 9:00 each evening. Men wearing salwar marching beside teenagers wearing Abercrombie and Fitch hoodies. Musicians, photographers, environmentalists, teachers, students, men, women. They are there. Each night for the past 10 days. Marching, singing, dancing, documenting, yelling, screaming, fighting... and then posting on Facebook, YouTube, and Twitter. My Facebook feed. The one that contrasts my adventures with their own battle. Showing yet again my privilege. 

Sigh...

I've tried people. More than once. More than five times. I just can't do it. Every time I try and write, it all sounds so ridiculous that I end up erasing everything. Then I stare at the blank screen and the blinking cursor.

I have no idea what to write about Botswana. It was amazing. Stellar. Spectacular. Fabulous. Even my entries from my notebook sound impossible. Here are a few blurbs. It's all I manage. No frills. No sweeping generalizations of beauty. Just the facts. This writing business is hard.

Highlights:
Seeing a pride of three male cheetahs for three days in a row. Watching them attempt to kill three different prey, but unsuccessful on all occasions. Finally, on my last day at my second camp, Kwara, we tracked them all morning until they were able to stalk and take down a young tsessebee. It was nerve wracking and awe inspiring to watch.

Finding a female leopard sitting contently on a dormant termite mound. We watched her for quite some time, and as we were getting ready to leave, she decided to move too, so we followed her, but not for long. Less than 50 feet way, she had hidden a full grown male antelope, easily bigger than her. It was a fresh kill, and perhaps her first as she had difficulty getting into the meat. We watched until it was too dark to see; we came back to the spot in the morning, and she had taken the carcass up a tree for safe keeping.

In the middle of one of my last days, during the down time for napping, reading, swimming, relaxing,  I decided to read in the open air library overlooking the Okavango Delta. Wanting to cool off, I decided to dip my feet in the pool. I thought I was lucky to see two elephants playing in the delta off in the distance, but when I headed back to my "tent" ten minutes later, a breeding herd of elephants (about 15-20) were snacking and impeding my path. I slowly sat down on the step and just watched. The animals were about five feet from me and could have cared less that I was there.

Just a list that could each be an entire entry on its own:
On the last day of my safari, finding the wild pack of dogs
The puddle jumpers from camp to camp
Getting to sit in the co-pilot's seat
Getting called to dinner via song -- almost every night
Being the only guest at Lagoon Camp and enjoying the evening with the staff and choir singing and dancing
The smell of the water lilies on the delta
Mokoro ride to a private island
Several boat rides on the delta
Ginger ale almost every day.(I can't find ginger ale in Turkey)  Delicious food six times a day!
Learning to identify the different tracks in the sand
Gaining an appreciation for birds -- especially the lilac-breasted roller and the carmine bee-eater.
Star gazing in the southern hemisphere: Orion
Myths about why the hippos are vegetarians
Gin, tonic, limes, and sunsets in Botswana

Botswana

Goodness

Yeah, I just stole that off Wikipedia.

I figured the last few posts were about some of the challenges with my job, so here are some goodies. First, today was beautiful. It truly felt like a spring day in Colorado -- blue skies, low 70s, mountains in the background (ok, not as big as the Rocky Mountains, but the Tarsus Mountains aren't too shabby!)

Today I wore a dress and my sandals --without any tights. The Turks were convinced I was crazy! Didn't I know it was still winter?? Um, yeah. I sat on my rooftop grading papers for the afternoon in shorts and a t-shirt. Fabulous way to spend the day -- despite the grading. Nice winter day. (Sorry Coloradans; I know you're under some serious cold and snow.)

Here are a few funny things kids have said recently; after practicing the "th" sound (this is not a sound in Turkish), one girl said, "My tongue tickles!" Yep. Sounds about right. ;0  Another student explained what she meant when she told her friend, "You are tomato sauce!" Huh? :) First, you must know most -- almost all-- Turkish cuisine has a tomato base. Therefore, if you are tomato sauce, your are in everyone's business. Good to know! Finally, one student asked me just today, "Ms. Brown, when can I talk to you about girl problems? These are the only problems I have." Really, no grammar problems I could help you with instead? :) "Any time," I replied. "Any time."

I've gotten connected with the local photography club, and they organize hikes every other weekend. Have been enjoying expanding my circle of friends outside of school. Still limited language, but I'm working on it. Another hike scheduled this weekend. Hope to see this bridge this weekend! Supposed to be sunny and 70s the rest of the week.

Also, met some teachers who teach with the Department of Defense in connection with the base in Adana. Sounds like a margarita party with limes just might happen soon! :0 Oh, big find at the grocery............drum roll.................taco shells!!! I have not eaten a hard shell taco since I left. Mexican food is really foreign in Turkey! Hmmmm....imagine that! ;0

Oh, how I miss these!

Yes, I still need to post pictures and a blog entry from Botswana, but honestly, I keep looking at my pictures, and I still can't believe I was there. I miss it. Too surreal for me to even contemplate trying to explain my adventure. For those of you non-Facebookers, I'll post just
pictures soon.

This Friday is the first language exchange between the Turkish teachers and the foreign teachers. There are about 15 Turkish teachers who have been taking English class and about the same number of foreign teachers who have been taking Turkish. Those of us who teach a class (I get to teach English to the Turkish teachers once a week. It really is just a big party) decided to get both groups together to have some fun and practice. It's going to be fun! Another big party!

Just over a month until spring break (first week in April in case anyone is making travel plans! ;0) not sure where I'm headed. Thinking Istanbul for a few days and then London. We'll see. I also have another trip to London in March. Going to see Book of Mormon, Quartermaine's Terms with Rowen Atkinson, and Peter and Alice with Judi Dench. Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm not going to get much sympathy from anyone any more. The goodness really is pretty good here in Turkey.


*composed while listening to Ed Sheeran Radio on Jango. Good stuff people. Check it out. Kate Nash. The Frames. Ed Sheeran. Jon McLaughlin.

Sorry

First, dear readers, I must apologize for leaving you in a state of confusion. One of my last posts "Least You Think It's All Rose Colored Glasses" left most people wondering if I was hopping the next plane home. Yes, there have been days I wanted to, but that isn't me. While I had every intention of posting a follow-up (before I left for Botswana), spotty internet and end of the semester craziness didn't really allow me to do that. So I apologize for the delay in my explanation. Feel free to skip to the more exciting post about Botswana if you want. ;)

Here are the details of my frustration: Yes, my job is challenging -- everyone's is. However, the last month of the first semester left many of us newbies feeling overwhelmed. From grading final exams, to entering grades (in multiple places on a website that is all in Turkish! Thank you to my department head for her help!), to students' behavior, to general chaos, it just felt like too much. Several of us comforted each other as we struggled to figure out just how to do our jobs the best we could given the newness of it all. After many emails and several bitch sessions, we supported each other the best we could. It was comforting to know that I wasn't alone in my funk.

It wasn't so much living far away (part of it), or the continued challenges of living in a foreign country (some of it), or not knowing the system (more of it), but mostly just a combination of all of thee above and then some. Working within the education system in Turkey has definitely been an education unto itself. While it sounds rather obvious, I learned that I can't just teach English to tenth graders like I did in the US. Duh.

From my limited experience here, there are many factors that contribute to a student sitting in my class. From what I can gather, children are highly protected from natural consequences. Coddled some may call it. Discipline appears to be obscure. Even more so because I an working for a for-profit school. My limited experience as a public educator in the states didn't really prepare me for what that meant. Again, from what I see, it means that most behavior is tolerated. Behavior that would have most students on a discipline contract within a heartbeat in the US. This isn't to say all students behave horribly; it's to say there are limited options when a student does behavior inappropriately. (Oh, what I would give for Mr. Kaufman to talk with the Turkish Ministry of Education! :)

Additionally, while all three schools in my "district" have an entrance exam, my school takes the lowest scores from all over Turkey. Each school has a cut off score; TAC is the lowest and at the beginning of the school year that number was lowered in order to increase enrollment. Again, this doesn't mean that students with lower scores are behavior problems, but it does create a different clientele.

Finally, there is a system of tradition that is quite strong at TAC. The other three schools do not have such a tradition. While students see the tradition as a way to help teach respect to younger students, those of us on the outside see it as bullying. It's a fine line to walk -- one of creating a respectful tradition and one of instilled  fear. And, as I stated earlier, discipline is a bit mysterious. Something about honor points, discipline committees composed of students' peers -- no detention after school or at lunch time, no in-school suspension, no out-of-school suspension, no truancy court, no expulsion. I have not seen any of these implemented within my first semester of being here.

Cajoling. Convincing. Listening. Give. Take. Ebb. Flow. Push. Pull. It's a fun dance to convince any student to learn, but here, I'm exhausted (another contributing factor). Sadly, it's too much for so little in return. Again, I do want to say that this isn't all students, but those of us in the profession know, that it's the exhausting students who drain us.

I'm not ready to go back to work tomorrow, but then again, I don't think I've ever met anyone who said, "Yeah, it's Monday. I get to go back to work!"  :) I'm hoping second semester is a little easier. A little more familiar. A little less "new" and a little more routine.

That's a glimpse of what prompted my post. I hope that clarifies, but my guess is that it leaves you with more questions than answers. Sorry. I'm living it, and I'm still not quite sure how it works ! :)  Thank you for everyone who contacted me just to check on me. I really do appreciate it. And, I must say you are all doing very well on the replying. Thank you! I miss you all!


P.S. I promise the next post will be wild! :) Stay tuned.